Al, you're a scientist. What do you know about volcanism?

[Pigmeat]

I have a young friend who is concerned about the Yellowstone caldera. He says it's "overdue". I told him A) There is no standard gestation period for these things; and B) he had more pressing things to worry about, like a proper haircut. Alas, my soothing words didn't calm him.

What advice have you for the young fellow?

[Fansome]

Wikipedia has a good article on the "Yellowstone Caldera". Among other things, it states

The Yellowstone Volcano Observatory issued a statement on its website stating,

    "Although fascinating, the new findings do not imply increased geologic hazards at Yellowstone, and certainly do not increase the chances of a 'supereruption' in the near future. Contrary to some media reports, Yellowstone is not 'overdue' for a supereruption."

As for your young friend, I will pass on the sage advice my dad gave when explaining the intricacies of science to me when I was young:

1) Get a haircut.
2) Get a job.
3) Join the human race!

[Pigmeat]

One, he's got a haircut, a really goofy one, shaved around the sides and back and long on top. He thinks it's "hep" as do his legions of followers. Two, he doesn't need a job, his father and grandfather left him set for life. Three, the jury is still out on whether he's part of the human race.

The second and first are my real concerns. He's been using the family fortune to buy up land in and around the caldera. He has this weird idea about "lancing" the caldera to relieve the pressure in the magma chamber. He and his crumb-bum friends have been drilling miles deep bore holes in the area for years.

Here is where it get's interesting. His late father, a mild mannered unicorn connoisseur, left the boy a handful of nuclear warheads. Nothing serious, but enough to get in trouble with. He and his "friends" have constructed a nuclear needle with the things that they term a "lancet"

It looks like what it is, a 300 meter long, six inch inch diameter titanium needle, encasing a roughly a one megaton nuclear load. It's a two stage system, the first 50 meters being a spent uranium, rock piercing tip,who's velocity and mass are designed to penetrate the magma chamber and clear a safe space in the liquid rock for the following one megaton load to detonate in.

As we all know from the underground nuke tests in Nevada, this kind of thing is perfectly harmless. However, my friend, who is known a "K-Dog" among his young pals, is convinced it will cause the magma chamber to slowly and safely drain out the series of bore holes in and around the caldera, making him a hero in not only his own country,but around the world. His former project head told him the device could possibly cause the caldera to collapse, leading to catastrophic consequences for North America. Oddly, before the man could explain his reasons, he had a fatal accident involving an anti-aircraft gun.

I asked K-Dog to wait until I could consult with a real scientist to rule out any possible problems, no matter how remote. He's awaiting your reply. If it's affirmative, he plans on letting you have the honor of launching the first "Volcano Buster" into the caldera.

Oh yeah, he says to tell you his sister Joyce still isn't married and says, "Hello".

[Pigmeat]

Whupped him in two posts. Ol' Al ain't as sharp as he used to be.