The Last Laugh: The Bedrock archaeological dig revealed
By Tony Wade
Tony Wade: The Last Laugh
Professor Sarah Finite had waited seven long years for this moment. She was nervous as she stood behind the curtain at the annual American Archaeological Conference waiting to be introduced. What she would reveal would change the world of archaeology forever.
She heard her name and the curtain rose.
“Colleagues and friends, when we came across this archaeological gold mine in 2013, I was flabbergasted by what we discovered. It is with a sense of accomplishment and pride that my team and I present our findings,” Sarah said. “Our top-line finding is this: dinosaurs, saber-toothed cats and woolly mammoths lived alongside humans.”
There were gasps, some laughter, someone yelled an expletive and many actually got up to leave. Sarah advanced the slide on the PowerPoint showing on two huge screens. Some of the archaeologists who’d started to leave sat back down.
“Yes. We have photographic proof. Humans used those animals in remarkably creative and useful ways. For example, it appears that woolly mammoths were used to wash dishes. And saber-tooth tigers were kept as pets just as we do with their distant ancestors now,” Sarah said. “Dinosaurs were also kept as pets and used for beasts of burden and not just as pack-carrying animals. The Brontosaurus pictured here was equipped with a pulley system and used to lift boulders out of a rock quarry operated by a caveman on its back.”
Sarah went on to explain that the remarkable images were the actual pristine animals captured as they were in life only frozen in ice or in amber.
“Now about dwellings: I know that what has become conventional wisdom is that our distant ancestors lived in caves and while some did, in the community we painstakingly uncovered, they lived in individual homes made of rock,” Sarah said. “These structures had wooden doors and holes for windows and were equipped with furniture made of rock as well. But this next thing is the most phenomenal part and is something we still cannot explain, but I demonstrated it.”
Sarah clicked to the next slide, which was a video. In it, she was standing in one of the excavated rock dwellings. She began running in a straight line and the camera person was evidently running right alongside her. The rock chair and table and a window seen in the first frame would repeat every few seconds as she ran by them, but it did not appear she was running in a circle. She offered no explanation, but once again expressed her wonder.
“The residents of this bedrock community also had a rather unique method of transportation . . . cars,” Sarah said.
At this, one archaeologist shouted, “Oh come on!” and stormed out.
Sarah hit the clicker and let those who remained view the wood and stone and fabric creation, which undoubtedly was a vehicle.
“It evidently was powered by the occupants’ feet, much like the toddler cars some modern-day children play with,” Sarah said.
Right then an illuminated glass case was wheeled onto the stage by two labcoat-wearing assistants. Inside were headgear resembling those worn by the guards at Buckingham Palace. Sarah pulled some latex gloves out of her pocket, snapped them on, then opened the case and removed one of the items.
“These headpieces baffled us at first. Were they some sort of religious organization? Were they ceremonial? After much research our working hypothesis is that they were worn by prehistoric men who belonged to a fraternal organization like modern-day Elks or Moose lodges. This appears to be one for devotees of the water buffalo,” Sarah said.
She placed the headpiece back into the case and it was wheeled off just as two other assistants wheeled in a cylindrical object covered with a black cloth.
Now relishing the moment, Sarah walked over to the object and pausing for a second, grabbed the cloth with both hands and pulled it off.
Bedlam broke out.
Or as close to bedlam as 600 archaeologists can come.
Inside an illuminated case there was a prehistoric man, who had been completely frozen in ice, but was now thawed. Sarah pointed out the man’s clothing, which appeared to be a one-piece animal skin that was orange with black spots. He also appeared to be wearing what for all the world looked like a blue tie around his neck.
She was just about to let them know that her staff had loving starting calling him Fred when he opened his eyes and shouted, “Yabba Dabba Doo!”
Reach Fairfield writer Tony Wade at toekneeweighed@gmail.com.
Topic: Yabba Dabba Doo! (Read 1280 times)