So I was hunting gators in Florida.......

[Pigmeat]

when I ran into my old Miccosukee friend, Burrowing Owl Fansome, or "Owl" as his friends call him. He told me his cousin Al was swallowed whole by a 14 footer on a gator farm while eating a tofu sandwich with brie on the side. I remarked I didn't realize gators liked tofu and brie. He said no, the gator had mistaken Al for a tall hunk of turkey jerky. I replied that it was a reasonable mistake.

When I asked about the gator's well being after swallowing such a load, he told me that two drunken hog hunters had heard a voice coming from the gator, assumed it was cursed and shot the thing. I asked "Were they arrested for gatorcide?", he said "No" and they hauled it around the region on an end loader taking pictures at every stop. When they stopped by Denny's for lunch they hit a speed bump and out dropped Al. He demanded pie and more tofu. The hog hunters angry that Al falling out of the gator dropped the weight of the thing to below the world record, threw him into a passing truck.

Owl said Al showed up at his place a couple of days later, bedraggled, but none the worse for the wear, saying "God as my witness, I will never eat tofu and brie again!" Owl told Al he thought that was a good idea and offered Al some pan fried penguin. He said Al fled his place screaming.

Owl then asked me if I'd seen or heard of Al lately? I said I tried my best not to, to which Owl replied, "Who doesn't.", but I had to admit he was still posting here. Owl was befuddled as to why they let Al post anywhere, but told me to ask Al to call home, his girlfriend was worried. I said, "The real girlfriend or the blow-up girlfriend? You know how Al is." Owl chuckled and nodded knowingly before replying, "The real one."
I said I would and bid him goodbye.

Over the past few days I've found myself caught between a rock and hard place on this one. How is Al going to explain being caught emerging from deep inside a female alligator in a Denny's parking lot? The goats are bad enough, but reptiles? Regardless, a promise is a promise. AF, call home.

[Fansome]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Goat_Simulator

[Pigmeat]

So that's how you get your goat on these days? It's still not going to explain you riding around the countryside in an endloader with a female gator.

BTW, the kid whose picture is in that link looks an awfully lot like The Penguin on the show "Gotham". Is his game a secret penguin plot to get you?

My advice to you is to take a shower, buy some flowers, go home and beg forgiveness. There are a lot of other ubergeeks roaming the planet ready to take your place. I understand Wozniak is waddling his way across the country to her house now. I'd hate to see you beat out by that hairy Man-Penguin.

[Pigmeat]

Wozniak is ascending the Sierra Nevada on his Segway as I type this. Heavy snows in Utah and Colorado may slow him in the Rockies, but once he hits the High Plains he'll be rolling downhill at a steady six miles a charge.

He's considering having a carapace of solar panels mounted on his back to power the thing from dawn to dusk when he reaches Denver. He'll be known as the "Terrapin of The Plains" as he blazes across the landscape at speeds approaching a slow walk.

[Fansome]

What do you get when you cross a crocodile with an abalone?

A crock of baloney.

[Pigmeat]

It's not healthy to cover up your anxiety with shell games and talk of lunch meat. Go home, Al Fansome, go home!