Damn you Nibiru!

[Pigmeat]

I wake up this morning, the world is still here, Al's women are gone, and there's a note on my front door saying, "Take that! Al."

At least I have my Mormon drawers as a memory. I hope he treats those girls better than that howling sea-cow he left in the neighbors pool. All I could say when I saw it was, "Oh, the huge manatee!"

[Josh]

Even a water-retaining sea-cow needs luv.

[skeezix]

What happens if Nibiru goes retrograde? Mercury is bad enough.

[MDK2]

If only they knew the truth. Father Guido Sarducci did, but using a mix of Catholic theology and official NASA jargon confused the folks who were in "contact" wtih Nibiru.

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/78/78rupdate.phtml

Well, there's this-a new planet that they spotted. It's gonna be something, it's got these-a astronomers baffled in the house. [ holds up photo of the galaxy ] This is it right-a here, I hope-a you can-a see it. They call it SS-433, and they found out it's-a coming toward Earth at 30,000 miles a second. But.. it's also going away from Earth at 30,000 miles a second. It seems-a to be coming and-a going. It just breaks all the laws of physics, they don't know what to make of it. So I went to the-a Vatican library, looked up these old archives - you know we've been-a involved with astronomy and astrology for years and years , hundreds of years. And, I did-a find it, in-a this old book. The planet was called Vienne et Viennu Planet.. it means A-Coming and A-Going Planet.. and the book says that there is life there, and it's-a very interesting. It says that everyone there lives to be 200 years old. But it's not like they get to be real old.. what happens is, they get to 100, then they start going back again. It's like, 70, 80, 90, 100.. then, 90, 80, 70, 60.. then you're like a teenager again, then you know a kid again, and then you know.. you have to go back. I understand this-a little article says it's even-a more tramautic than-a being born. And what's interesting - people on this planet, just from looking at one another, they can't tell who's-a coming and who's-a going. So, like, maybe two peple meet, they're 20 years old, a fellow and a girl. They're 20, and first you know, he's 22 and she's 18.. then, you know, he's-a 25 and she's-a 15.. and you know pretty soon you find yourselves in a lot of trouble, and then the first thing, you got a little baby on your hands, you know?

I read about this other planet, too, in the same book. [ holds out his fists ] It's-a like, the sun is-a here and the Earth is-a here.. and on-a the other side-a of the sun, there's this other planet we can't see, you know, because the sun is-a blocking it from us.. but it's-a just-a like-a the Earth in every single way, it's like a mirror planet of Earth. There's only one difference, and it's that they eat-a corn on-a the cob-a like-a this.. [ demonstrates eating corn on the cob North-South instead of West-East ] That's it! That's the only difference. I'm not going there, you know, it's-a too messy. I'm used to eating it-a like-a this.. [ demonstrates West-East eating structure ] I just don't want-a change, habit like.

[Pigmeat]

Well, the manatee is dead and someone may be in trouble. The neighbor's wife came back from vacation, saw it in her pool, and shot it in a fit of jealousy. That brought the cops and the DNR out. It turns out it wasn't a common Carlise's manatee, it was the rare Ronstadt's manatee, known only to inhabit impoundment's in Arizona and Southern California, seasonally, where it's known as, "The manatee that marches to a different drum."

"Linda" as she's become known will be the main course at this year's annual critter dinner. The police have the note and are looking for the girls. They said the author had the handwriting of a known anti-penguin activist and dragger of feet when it comes to popping the question.

As for me I'm stuck with two sets of Mormon women's honeymoon undergarments that set me back twelve dollars and forty-eight cents. If get my money back I may forget who this "Al" character is.